and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
