I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
