You're my little dorito
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Never underestimate the power of titties
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