I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
