Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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