Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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