I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
