I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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