Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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