Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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