in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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