Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
