I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
