I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
