in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
