We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I seem to have left my pride at pride
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
