I think im going to throw up on grandma
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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