Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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