Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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