I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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