Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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