dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
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