Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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