Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
