I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
