at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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