I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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