My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
