I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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