Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
