We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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