just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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