Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
