This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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