party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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