I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
