Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
