Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
