normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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