there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
