I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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