Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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