Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
