we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
