Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
