i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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