I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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