he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
