Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
