I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
