she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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