Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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