He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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